Thursday, May 28, 2009

I am gradually getting round to revising my NaPoWriMo poems. It's more than just a tweak here or there. There are not many that satisfy me just as they are, but quite a few where I have a sense of an underlying story, mood or feeling that I want to unearth, which may mean discarding a great deal of the poem and starting again.

For this one, I initially abandoned all but the title - and I rearranged the words of the title, too - but then some of the initial story found it's way back in. I'm not done with it yet, but it is a lot closer to being a keeper than the original. I even managed to fit in a word from Readwritepoem's Wordle - veer. I also considered using paean, debonair, and twist, but in the end I didn't.

The last line confused my face to face poetry friends here. I was thinking of French flags, and various other countries, but "red, white and blue" made them think American. I think that's a little sad. There are few enough colours in the world - why should these be appropriated by one country? But since that's the way of it, I will probably find another way of expressing the ending.

(Both versions since removed from this post - expired! Contact me if you would like a copy)

9 comments:

Zeborah said...

For the French flag I'd say "blue white and red" anyway - that's the order it goes in, "liberty, equality, and fraternity".

gautami tripathy said...

I liked both the versions.

it hurt like dead man's calling

Donald Harbour said...

Cat..I enjoyed The Ambassador's Daughter. Reminded me of my girls when they were young. One I now see occasionally the other lives in Havelock, NZ, not far from you. I hardly ever see her. But she does eat hokey pokey and loses her bike chain with regularity. Daughters always do.

Nathan said...

The difference in versions is fascinating. I love what the change in point of view does to the overarching meaning and tone of the piece. A wonderful poem.

Deb said...

It is nice to see the two versions. They could even work as a pair rather than separate.

I think the tone of the ambassador's daughter flies, of course, in the first.

Good work, interesting concept.

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I have to say I enjoyed both, but prefer the first one more. The second one does seem more polish and clean, though.

Good write. And good luck with revising all your NaPoWriMo material. I haven't really even started revising mine...you're doing better than me.

-Nicole

Wayne Pitchko said...

nicely done...revising...changing...im kind of stuborn at time so change??? hmmmmmmm sometimes

Kay said...

I hardly recognised the first poem in the second. I like both and missed the first in the second ... if you know what I mean.

sydneysider said...

I like the second one. It's more authentic. I like all the personal clues
....little snippets of Cath I presume.My favourite is your profile poem...still standing on my head...Enjoy the humour and whimsical nature of it.Have you read any of Robert Gray's poetry? He is probably our most famous living poet and also a sydneysider.He has just published his first prose ,an
autobiography called "The Land I Came Through Last"It's wonderful and as you can imagine has a lovely poetic flow.This is the only way I can contact you as your
email icon doesn't work for me and I don't have a blog.
Cheers